


The Most Audacious Plan Ever

by girl_called_sun



Category: Time Bandits (1981)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-05
Updated: 2009-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-25 03:52:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1630067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl_called_sun/pseuds/girl_called_sun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is how it all began; Randall persuades the gang to go adventuring through space and time. Just.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Most Audacious Plan Ever

**Author's Note:**

> Written for David Hines

 

 

Randall glanced round his team. As fine a bunch of blood thirsty, vicious, double dealing thieves as had ever graced the....something wasn't quite right with his band. He did a quick head count.

"Where's Og?"

"I thought he was with you, Randall," Wally said accusingly.

"I am the brains behind this outfit, I have been planning with precision and cunning, I cannot be expected to keep an eye on everyone!" Randall took a breath to continue his tirade, but Og appeared from round the corner. Everyone stared at him.

"Helmet," he said, glancing around nervously, holding up the offending headgear, "I lost a horn."

"Never mind, Og," Strutter reassured him, "pop it on, it'll protect your head just the same."

Og placed the mono horned Viking helmet on his head and shuffled over to join the group.

"I don't know why he'd need to protect anything in his head," Randall muttered, not quite under his breath. Wally frowned at him, but Randall glared back and straightened the flying goggles on his forehead.

"As I was saying," he began; then stopped again, "Fidget, will you pay attention!"

Fidget, who had been straightening Og's helmet for him, stepped back and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"Sorry, Randall," he said.

"So you should be. Gah, can't get the staff these days. Right! We are going to undertake the most audacious, the most daring and devious mission ever undertaken in the history of the world! We are going to navigate the corridors of Creation, helping ourselves to the greatest treasures history has to offer. And we begin," he dropped his voice to a whisper, "by stealing Supreme Being's map!"

"I don't think it's all that daring, Randall," Wally scowled, arms folded, completely ruining the dramatic effect Randall had been aiming for. "I mean, the map is right there, on the work bench." He pointed. The map sat there, neatly rolled, noticeably free of guards and booby traps.

Randall dragged a hand over his face. "We are still taking from under the nose of the Supreme Being! That counts as pretty devious and daring in my book!"

"Randall, you designed pine needles until last week. I don't know how complete your book is," Wally rejoined.

"And let me say, you have to be pretty careful with pine needles, some of them are sharp," Randall glowered, "but it doesn't matter what we did before, because this is the most audacious plan ever," he paused for effect, "the best plan of all time!"

"Hmm," Wally folded his arms.

"So what are we doing now? Where's the treasure?" Fidget piped up.

"We are stealing the map first!" Randall yelled.

"Shhhh!" Strutter clapped a hand over his mouth, "do you want the Supreme Being to hear?"

"If he's the Supreme Being," asked Fidget, "doesn't he knows everything anyway?"

They all looked at Fidget. Fidget looked back. "Surely," he said slowly, "that's part of the whole Supreme being package..."

"I am sure the Supreme Being is quite aware of all things," Randall said slowly, glancing upwards, then, for good measure, behind his shoulder, "but at the moment I hope he isn't paying any attention to us!" he finished quickly.

"But he's going to notice, Randall," Wally nagged, "he's bound to."

"Ah, but here's the really intelligent and brilliant part," Randall waggled his eyebrows, "if we have the map we can go anywhere in Space and Time, yes?"

"Theoretically, yes," said Strutter, reluctantly.

("I don't want to go anywhere," Og said to Fidget. "I quite like it here." 

Fidget patted his shoulder. "I'm sure it'll be nice, Og," he said reassuringly. "Like a holiday." He turned back to listen to Randall.

"What's a holiday?" Og asked quietly.)

"So we take the map, we use it to become rich and powerful beyond our wildest dreams, and then we return it through the time hole so it has only been missing for a second! The Supreme Being will never know!" Randall grinned, and folded his arms across his chest. "I told you it was the best plan ever."

"The time holes close, Randall," Strutter said, "we might not be able to get it back. We might be killed, or lose the map."

"The Supreme Being might track us down before we have a chance to do anything," Wally sounded dubious.

"We might get lost," Fidget added.

"How can we get lost with a map that shows the entirety of Space and Time?" Randall asked.

"Well, you got lost when we were planting the Amazon, didn't find you for two weeks...."

"That's true. You were quite panicky about the monkeys when we found you," Wally offered.

"Monkeys are tasty," opined Vermin. "Especially the orange ones."

Randall's remaining patience left him. He snatched the map from the work bench, glanced frantically at it for a second, and then jabbed a finger at the soonest time hole he could see. "A hole is appearing in about ten seconds, and we are going to follow it to..." he squinted at the map, "to the Roman Empire!"

"I'm not sure if that goes to the Roman Empire," Strutter murmured, peering over Randall's shoulder. "It looks like it might be a bedroom..."

"It's my plan, I have the map, and we are going!" Randall was getting a little shrill at this point.

"Horseflesh never yelled like you do, Randall," Wally glowered, fists balling at his sides.

"You did what Horseflesh told you!" Randall began to square up to Wally.

"That's because he didn't speak rubbish!"

The time hole appeared a few feet away with a suitably impressive `woomph', and effectively stopped the fight before it really started. The corridors of Space and Time were the black of infinity, edged in the blue of chaos. They smelt of cherry.

"Pretty," said Og.

"This is it!" Randall leapt in front of the time hole and brandished the map. "Onwards, to wealth and adventure! To a life of pleasure and riches, to feasts and dancing, and... more feasts! Onwards!"

"Adventure," Wally echoed, eyes sparkling. "Alright, this once I'll trust you, but you better get it right, Randall." He looked round his friends. "Right then - Adventure!"

Strutter nodded and polished his glasses.

"Adventure!" Fidget piped up, shaking a skinny fist.

"Adventure!" growled Og.

Vermin wondered if there would be a buffet.

 


End file.
